Posted on: January 10, 2008
10 Tips for a Novice Daughter-in-Law
With a little attitude adjustment and some thoughtful gestures, any new daughter-in-law can pave the way for positive relations with her new family
By Margraret Littman
CTW Features
That old saying couldn't be truer:_You're not just marrying him, you're marrying his family, too. But if you're a bride-to-be who harbors stereotyped notions about evil in-laws, it's time to set them aside. The time to start forging the best possible ties with your new family is now. And the most powerful tools are in your hands. The following 10 tips won't ensure wedded bliss, of course. But they'll certainly help you set off in the right direction.
1. Expect the best. Not every bride thinks of her mother-in-law as a wicked stepmother. Many people find getting married is like gaining another caring confidant. If you've got a positive attitude, you'll be off to a good start, says Judy Kuriansky, author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship" (Alpha Books, 2nd Ed., 2001).
2. Address big issues. If your relationship contains any of the things that push parental button - different races or religions, for example - talk about them before you tie the knot. This doesn't mean you have to decide how you'll raise your children before you give birth to them, but making your in-laws aware of the fact that you know they have concerns may be all it takes to soothe them.
3. Say the words. Are you just not a morning person? Hate Andy Rooney to the point where listening to fingernails on a chalkboard is preferable to watching "60 Minutes"? Then say so. The more you come clean with your own quirks, so will your in-laws, says Dr. Gilda Carle, author of "He's Not All That!: How to Attract the Good Guys" (Collins, 2000), and then no one will be in for any surprises. And you may find you'll even begin to try to accommodate each other's wishes.
4. Now is the time. Whether it's stopping in for unannounced meals or serving ham on Hanukkah, Laurie E. Rozakis, Ph.D., author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dealing with In-Laws" (Alpha Books, 1998), says it's easier to iron out in-law problems while a couple is young, and before bad habits (among newlyweds and parents) become ingrained.
5. Stay out. If your new hubby and his sister battle it out at every family holiday over stuff that happened back in high school, keep your mouth shut and go help with the dishes. Don't get in the middle of age-old sibling rivalry. Although, in the privacy of your home, you may suggest some ways to help your beloved patch things up with sis.
6. Pick a name. Mrs. so-and-so? Mom? Mother Anne? Figuring out what to call your future in-laws is wrought with trouble. Rozakis suggests asking them what they'd prefer, taking cues from other daughters- or sons-in-law or creating your own names of affection.
7. Be sympathetic. If your hubby comes from a single-parent home, his bonds with that parent may be especially strong. This doesn't mean you should allow your new parent to walk all over you. But if you try to put yourself in her shoes, you may gain insight as to why she's acting the way she is.
8. Let him speak. If your in-laws are exerting extreme pressures about where to celebrate his birthday, or where you ought to live, remind your honey that it is his turn to speak out, says Carle. They'll listen to him; he's one of theirs. And if he does the job right, they'll hear what you have to say soon.
9. Mind your manners. When you're spending time with his parents, don't forget the stuff your own mom taught you. Ask to help out. Say "please" and "thank you." Remember to write thank-you notes. It will be noticed.
10. Remember one thing. Try this trick when they're driving you most crazy: Be thankful. They did bring your loved one into this world, after all.
